Monday, 16 March 2015

It's stupid. But I think it's finally hit me!

After weeks and just over a month of being pregnant and struggling with HCG betas, I feel it's finally hit me.


1st Feb: AF due. AM I tested with FMU and FRER, it was negative.
1st Feb: PM - AF came, usual heavy and lasted 5-6 days.
8th Feb: ''Ovulation pains'', OPK +, ''for fun'' tested with HPT +! (FRER, CB digital etc)
12th Feb: Pains in my right side, Beta 31
14th Feb: Beta 24, Miscarriage is now imminent.
27th Feb: Tests still positive. Beta 53!
2nd March: Bleeding started. Heavy with clots, very painful.
11th March: Tests still positive. Beta 61!
13th March: Beta 57.
14th March: Tests fading
15th March: Tests very very faint
16th March: CB digital ''not pregnant'' but showed visible lines within the test. This must mean my HCG is below 25.

Today is 16th March, this morning I had a negative digital test. On Friday 13th I was told this has gone on long enough and I would be offered the cancer drug to be injected into me to help my body deal with this failing miscarriage.
I am relieved in a way my body seems to be dealing with it, so as to save the intervention of pumping drugs into me.

I write this as I am watching a program in the UK called 'This Morning' they're airing a story where a woman delivered her twins at 26 weeks and one baby was born dead, she demanded skin on skin and brought him back to life, I am in tears, I wish I could do this to my baby.
I feel pathetic and angry with myself for being relieved at a negative pregnancy test. What Mother could ever feel like this?
I think I have finally accepted this baby wasn't meant to be, and flew his angel wings many weeks ago. I remained positive, hoping and praying that there would be a successful pregnancy out of this, however I am almost confident that this is just not the case. When the beta went up to 53, then 61, although not doubling in the correct timing, I still had hope.

I am going back to the hospital tonight for a repeat beta just to make sure it IS as low as I think it is, due to this CB digital test. I'm hoping to get the results tonight, however this depends on what time the ward shuts. It can be 7pm - In which case the results will be tomorrow AM, if the ward shuts at 8pm tonight then it may be back in time tonight.

If my beta has got as low as I think it is, I am going to buy some helium balloons this weekend and find a quiet spot to let them off. I'm also going to be lighting a candle in memory too.
I feel heartbroken. Come October I should have been giving birth to a healthy baby, hearing his first cry, cuddling him in my sweet arms, kissing his forehead, loving watching him every day, sleeping, feeding him, just enjoying having him in my arms. Yawning, hick ups, even the nappies. He's most probably a baby boy - I just have this gut feeling as I had with all my other children, and I have never been wrong, besides the twins, I predicted one of each but had two beautiful girls. I feel this baby was a little boy. We have named our Angel, Angel Jake. I'm going to class Angel Jakes passing as 2nd March, when the bleeding started. I can't be sure exactly when he passed but the bleeding signified it's all over, despite the beta later rising, it was a false rise because he'd already gone.

I have days where I've said to my Fiancé there is no more trying, we've lost our first, but this is my 8th loss in total. No Mother should have to endure 8 losses. No one.
I am starting to feel a little more determined to try again, I want to try again. I want a baby with my Fiancé, as much as he is a daddy to my last child (absent-Father) and he is amazing at doing that, it just makes me want to have HIS child.
Over the weekend he was cuddling one of my daughters (from previous marriage) and she fell asleep in his arms, as did he. It was a gorgeous photo and my ovaries exploded (not literally, lol) at the sight.
Some people are born to be parents, and I strongly believe he's one of them.

Anyway, I've wittered enough. I will be lighting a candle all week for our latest angel. Goodbye sweetheart.

Monday, 2 March 2015

Goodbye Angel #8

Goodbye sweetheart.

A moment in my womb, and a lifetime in our hearts.
You were so cruelly taken from us, with no reason. We sort of expected it because we had news 2 weeks ago you were not well, but you held on for us. You kept strong and you kept going for Mummy and Daddy and we thank you, from the bottom of our hearts. We miss you every second of every day. You're joining 7 other of Mummies Angels in Heaven. Learning of you growing and living inside Mummy was a complete shock, as it was for Daddy too. But it was a brilliant, heart warming shock. We've wanted you in our lives since we started trying for you, and your Miscarried Sibling in January. We thought you was our rainbow after Januarys' storm but we took you for granted, I am sorry.
I'm sorry I asked you to hang on and to stay because I was being so selfish, you couldn't stay. Only the best get called into Heaven, but we feel so special you chose to come to us when you did. A beautiful shock that you were, we loved you.
You were growing inside Mummy and doing so well. We had hope you'd be okay, we prayed you'd be okay but it was too soon, you were called to Heaven.
I want to say goodbye, but how do I say goodbye when we didn't even say hello?
I look to the sky, I see beautiful clear blue skies with puffy white clouds and I know you're up there, praying for Mummy and Daddy to not be too heartbroken, I feel you in the cold breeze through the window. I hear what would have been your first cries after birthing you, I hear you calling me Mummy and Daddy, Daddy. I wonder who you would be, what you would have become in this world, but I have to stop because you're not here any more, you've moved onto a better place. Free from suffering and pain and I hope you were not in any pain and I hope you didn't suffer.

We are sorry we asked you to stay, we feel so selfish, you couldn't stay. You tried your best for Mummy and Daddy and we are thankful for you and your love you gave us. Daddy sang to you every night, I don't know whether you heard but he sang to you, beautiful songs, sometimes forgetting the words but he sang right next to you inside Mummy.

We booked a scan so we could see you early, a sneaky peak to make sure you were doing okay. Unfortunately Mummy cancelled the scan because the hospital gave her bad news about you but she stayed hopeful, because you stayed in your warm cosy home inside Mummy.
Mummy and Daddy have cried many tears and will cry many more because we love you, so much.
We love you so much we want to fly to Heaven and bring you back down with us, you shouldn't have been called back so early. We miss you so much Angel. You're our Angel and you'll never be forgotten.

Please play games with Mummies other angels, hide and seek, maybe even sing to each other. Keep each other happy because one day Mummy's going to come to Heaven for good and stay with you. She's going to give you all a big cuddle and will never leave you. Until that day may dawn, please look after yourselves, please do not cry, Mummy and Daddy thinks about you all the time, we will always love you, no matter where you are.

Goodbye Angel #8, until we meet again.


~Miss406 (Heartbroken Mummy)