Monday, 16 March 2015

It's stupid. But I think it's finally hit me!

After weeks and just over a month of being pregnant and struggling with HCG betas, I feel it's finally hit me.


1st Feb: AF due. AM I tested with FMU and FRER, it was negative.
1st Feb: PM - AF came, usual heavy and lasted 5-6 days.
8th Feb: ''Ovulation pains'', OPK +, ''for fun'' tested with HPT +! (FRER, CB digital etc)
12th Feb: Pains in my right side, Beta 31
14th Feb: Beta 24, Miscarriage is now imminent.
27th Feb: Tests still positive. Beta 53!
2nd March: Bleeding started. Heavy with clots, very painful.
11th March: Tests still positive. Beta 61!
13th March: Beta 57.
14th March: Tests fading
15th March: Tests very very faint
16th March: CB digital ''not pregnant'' but showed visible lines within the test. This must mean my HCG is below 25.

Today is 16th March, this morning I had a negative digital test. On Friday 13th I was told this has gone on long enough and I would be offered the cancer drug to be injected into me to help my body deal with this failing miscarriage.
I am relieved in a way my body seems to be dealing with it, so as to save the intervention of pumping drugs into me.

I write this as I am watching a program in the UK called 'This Morning' they're airing a story where a woman delivered her twins at 26 weeks and one baby was born dead, she demanded skin on skin and brought him back to life, I am in tears, I wish I could do this to my baby.
I feel pathetic and angry with myself for being relieved at a negative pregnancy test. What Mother could ever feel like this?
I think I have finally accepted this baby wasn't meant to be, and flew his angel wings many weeks ago. I remained positive, hoping and praying that there would be a successful pregnancy out of this, however I am almost confident that this is just not the case. When the beta went up to 53, then 61, although not doubling in the correct timing, I still had hope.

I am going back to the hospital tonight for a repeat beta just to make sure it IS as low as I think it is, due to this CB digital test. I'm hoping to get the results tonight, however this depends on what time the ward shuts. It can be 7pm - In which case the results will be tomorrow AM, if the ward shuts at 8pm tonight then it may be back in time tonight.

If my beta has got as low as I think it is, I am going to buy some helium balloons this weekend and find a quiet spot to let them off. I'm also going to be lighting a candle in memory too.
I feel heartbroken. Come October I should have been giving birth to a healthy baby, hearing his first cry, cuddling him in my sweet arms, kissing his forehead, loving watching him every day, sleeping, feeding him, just enjoying having him in my arms. Yawning, hick ups, even the nappies. He's most probably a baby boy - I just have this gut feeling as I had with all my other children, and I have never been wrong, besides the twins, I predicted one of each but had two beautiful girls. I feel this baby was a little boy. We have named our Angel, Angel Jake. I'm going to class Angel Jakes passing as 2nd March, when the bleeding started. I can't be sure exactly when he passed but the bleeding signified it's all over, despite the beta later rising, it was a false rise because he'd already gone.

I have days where I've said to my Fiancé there is no more trying, we've lost our first, but this is my 8th loss in total. No Mother should have to endure 8 losses. No one.
I am starting to feel a little more determined to try again, I want to try again. I want a baby with my Fiancé, as much as he is a daddy to my last child (absent-Father) and he is amazing at doing that, it just makes me want to have HIS child.
Over the weekend he was cuddling one of my daughters (from previous marriage) and she fell asleep in his arms, as did he. It was a gorgeous photo and my ovaries exploded (not literally, lol) at the sight.
Some people are born to be parents, and I strongly believe he's one of them.

Anyway, I've wittered enough. I will be lighting a candle all week for our latest angel. Goodbye sweetheart.

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