Monday, 7 December 2015

Still 9DPO & feeling utterly lost..

Still 9DPO, and still feeling utterly lost. I keep tweaking photographs in the hope they'll show something really obvious, when in fact they just don't. They all look entirely and utterly blank.

Here's a couple more photographs from this mornings tests with FMU.

Not even a hint of a line. Absolutely and completely negative right now. I know that given a chance I'd be extremely nervous with falling pregnant given the amount of losses I've had now (9), but I also know I'd be taking each and every precaution. I'd be wanting a beta. I'd be wanting a scan in a week or so's time. I'd be actively doing things to make sure our babies okay. I wouldn't just sit at home, worrying but not doing anything. I wouldn't want to. I'd want to know all is okay.

I was hoping that this would and could be our month. Just because Christmas is already hard not having Jake here but to give us something to look forward to, something to give us hope. A little life that is desperately wanted in our arms, a little baby of our own. In no way replacing Jake, but making the grief of losing him just that little bit easier to deal with.

All hope is gone. It flew out the window this morning when my temperature dipped. I am only 9DPO and yes, 9DPO is the most commonest day to implant, however I know my cycle. I've been tracking it for 16 long months now. If a baby was implanting today, the temperature probably would have dipped massively. It'll dip again tomorrow (small dip) and AF will be with me on Thursday - as normal. I have absolutely no doubt about that. 16 long months of only ever failing.

I do have some great friends who are in the LT TTC journey with me, we all have our own difficulties. Each of us face difficult days. The only difference is they're continuing in their TTC Journeys and I no longer am. 16 months is more than long enough with TTC. We have given our utter dedication to just that - failure of each month. After 16 long months we've had enough and give up. There is no point in having any hope, any energy or any determination in carrying on - to fail.

Some women do TTC for years (some in excess of 10 years) and if they're as actively TTC as we were, then I really do take my hat off to them. Clearly they're stronger than we are and have been.

Doctors think it'll happen again, I'm not so sure.

We're moving house and getting married next year, but if we were given a choice, we'd chose a baby over all of that. A baby really is so important to us.

I will continue writing my blogs as a Mother of 6 and a crafter. I wish you all a very Merry Christmas & Happy New Year 2016.

9 DPO, temperature dip, hope lost!

So ladies, I've woken up at 9DPO and my temperature has dipped. What a bloody surprise!

I did say I was going to do one last cycle, over Christmas, but are not going to bother. There is absolutely no point in trying to conceive any longer.

We have both given as much as we can give with our trying to conceive journey, we have done everything from vitamins, BBT charting, soya isoflavones, ovulation prediction kits, timed intercourse, pre-seed, conceive plus, evening Primrose oil, nasty cough medicine, coconut oil,  L'argentine, L'Carnitine, given up smoking and even artificial insemination.

It has been a very long hard 16 months. I never thought I would be one of those women, who had to try for a long period of time. I took my fertility for granted. I am not proud of this.

After I lost Jake, I took it for granted that the cycle after I would fall pregnant again because Jake's pregnancy was on the back of another miscarriage. I'd heard that your fertility is increased after a miscarriage and this definitely makes sense.

With Christmas fast approaching, I want to focus on Jakes first Christmas. I cuddle his teddy pretending it's him, I wish it was the real Jake but he was taken away in March this year.

There are no words to describe this pain, the pain of infertility and miscarriages. 

For these past 16 months, I have spent most of it online researching what would help and why it would help. None of which has obviously proved to be of any use. Our plans for the moment are to simply give up. We have spent 16 months of our life devoted to trying to conceive our Rainbow.

We are going to enjoy Christmas with the family we have left, this is a very hard part of the year for us. I would give anything to watch Jake open his Christmas presents this year, he would be in our arms whilst we opened his presents for him. He would be around eight weeks old for Christmas. 

I will still do my live pregnancy test tomorrow, just don't be too disappointed (like me) when it's a Big. Fat. Negative.

Sunday, 6 December 2015

8 DPO - Chart comparison with a BFP!

So, I just happened to click across someones BFP FF chart today. It looks remarkably like this months cycle - MINE.

She got a BFP on 10 dpo. I have overlaid the charts and you have to admit - they do look very similar. Even to the point where we both had ovulation pains on two different days...

(Sorry to who ever's chart this is, I've forgotten exactly where I found it).

My chart is the pink line.

Our charts together. I know she had a dip (probably implantation), but still, the temperature pattern is very very similar. Let's hope mine continues to reach for the stars and leads to a BFP with our Rainbow.
Her chart - on it's own. 

8DPO - BBT Chart progress, FRER!

Okay, so I am 8DPO, according to FF.

Here's how my chart is looking. My temperature has steadily gone up, and I have to admit that by 8DPO usually it's already started to fall. I am trying to remain hopeful. #VeryTrying
Heres my BBT Chart on FF, at 8DPO.
I did test this morning, with a FRER and it was a BFN. At only 8DPO it is still very, very early. In fact I have never had a BFP this early, ever.

I will not test tomorrow but I will be doing the LIVE test now in 2 days time - 10 DPO, 8th December. It's fast approaching!

Keep well everyone - see you on  YouTube on Tuesday!

7/8dpo, stomach cramps!

Third night running, I'm having stomach cramps. Probably just gas, but it does stop and make you think. 

It's half midnight. I better sleep or I won't be able to temp!

Night lovely ladies. 

Saturday, 5 December 2015

7 DPO - I didn't test, but I did temp!

So, last night (in bed just before I fell asleep) I had stomach ache. I don't usually have stomach ache in my two week wait. It was on my right hand side. I did think it was strange.

I have been very gassy all night and perhaps it's just a pure coincidence? However, with these symptoms put into FF, believe it or not, they're both top symptoms at 7DPO, as well as the constipation I've been having.

Top symptoms at 7DPO: Cramps (20.3%), Gassy (11.9%) and Constipation (4.3%)
This cycle has a ''High'' chance of conception, based on our Baby-dancing schedule and Artificial Inseminations.

Here is my BBT chart, as of today - 7DPO. I didn't take my temperature yesterday as I wasn't going to stress about it, however I did decide to temp today to watch it fall for AF, as per usual.

Here is my BBT chart today at 7DPO. You'll notice the missed temperature from yesterday and also notice the temperature has continued to rise.

I have also been alerted to something called an 'Implantation Calculator'. It basically is a chart which you can read. Based on what day your BBT has dipped you can read when your HCG should be high enough to test and get a positive result. It's quite a handy thing to have, however if you're unfortunate enough like me to have a Luteal Phase Defect, it may not be ideal for you. Here's a screenshot of my information, based upon this cycle.
If I have implanted (Also remember, it's possible to implant and not all charts have 'dips') then at 10DPO it should be around 8miu/ml and therefore I should get a faint on a FRER.

Here is a screenshot of the Implantation Calculator. I find this a useful website. However, don't expect it to work well if you have a Luteal Phase Defect. I only have a 10-11 day LP. 

As of now, it's lunch time (well, 11:23am) and I am having more stomach ache, a little more severe than last night. Not sure what's happening at the moment, whether it is just gas or something more interesting and exciting... who knows.

THREE day countdown until LIVE testing. Now that's exciting!

Friday, 4 December 2015

Cycle 15, Month 16 - 6 DPO Blog.

Nothing much has really happened today.
I was up until 3am having a bad night, with grief and missing Jake.

I did an emotional vlog at midnight - which has been uploaded to YT (YouTube).

I have decided to not temp any further into this cycle, although I am trying to decide as to whether or not I buy a replacement thermometer.

I've got no symptoms today, apart from constipation and the odd every now and again wave of heartburn.

Don't forget to tune in to my YT on the 8th December, for LIVE Pregnancy Testing!

Two week wait, Thermometer Problems & Liars are *always* caught out!

Hi ladies! Sorry I've not been keeping this updated much.

In my defence I have been like, super ill. Sickness bug ill.
Just so happened I ovulated right after the bug too - typical.

We have done 3 AI's though and baby danced twice, so all our bases are and were covered.

Now, I have some really bad news too. I have LOST my usual thermometer. It was a lovely pink one, that read out your temperature in Celsius. I have a blue one that reads out in Fahrenheit. I'm not overly confident it's accurate though and for that reason it's taken until today - 5DPO to have any kind of crosshairs. As of today, 5DPO I will not continue to temp any further this cycle. I am simply not gaining anything by looking and over-analysing this weird FF chart.

I also find it slightly funny that liars and fakes are always found out. It's all fair and well you telling us that you've been diagnosed with a chronic condition, however - don't blog about it being negative!

It's gone 1am in the UK and I am quite emotional tonight, I won't lie. I am missing our babies, and wondering what Jakes' First Christmas would have been like. Just a complete mess at the moment with my emotions and I may well have to go and see a doctor if things don't improve. Sadly, I fear I will be put on Anti-Depressants, of which I want to avoid.

I am still doing regular video blogs (Vlogs) to document our Journey from TTC to hopefully Conception on YouTube. The link for my YouTube Channel can be found here.

Live pregnancy testing at 10DPO will be uploaded to my Channel on the 8th December.
I will be using a FRER and IC (most likely).