Monday, 7 December 2015

Still 9DPO & feeling utterly lost..

Still 9DPO, and still feeling utterly lost. I keep tweaking photographs in the hope they'll show something really obvious, when in fact they just don't. They all look entirely and utterly blank.

Here's a couple more photographs from this mornings tests with FMU.

Not even a hint of a line. Absolutely and completely negative right now. I know that given a chance I'd be extremely nervous with falling pregnant given the amount of losses I've had now (9), but I also know I'd be taking each and every precaution. I'd be wanting a beta. I'd be wanting a scan in a week or so's time. I'd be actively doing things to make sure our babies okay. I wouldn't just sit at home, worrying but not doing anything. I wouldn't want to. I'd want to know all is okay.

I was hoping that this would and could be our month. Just because Christmas is already hard not having Jake here but to give us something to look forward to, something to give us hope. A little life that is desperately wanted in our arms, a little baby of our own. In no way replacing Jake, but making the grief of losing him just that little bit easier to deal with.

All hope is gone. It flew out the window this morning when my temperature dipped. I am only 9DPO and yes, 9DPO is the most commonest day to implant, however I know my cycle. I've been tracking it for 16 long months now. If a baby was implanting today, the temperature probably would have dipped massively. It'll dip again tomorrow (small dip) and AF will be with me on Thursday - as normal. I have absolutely no doubt about that. 16 long months of only ever failing.

I do have some great friends who are in the LT TTC journey with me, we all have our own difficulties. Each of us face difficult days. The only difference is they're continuing in their TTC Journeys and I no longer am. 16 months is more than long enough with TTC. We have given our utter dedication to just that - failure of each month. After 16 long months we've had enough and give up. There is no point in having any hope, any energy or any determination in carrying on - to fail.

Some women do TTC for years (some in excess of 10 years) and if they're as actively TTC as we were, then I really do take my hat off to them. Clearly they're stronger than we are and have been.

Doctors think it'll happen again, I'm not so sure.

We're moving house and getting married next year, but if we were given a choice, we'd chose a baby over all of that. A baby really is so important to us.

I will continue writing my blogs as a Mother of 6 and a crafter. I wish you all a very Merry Christmas & Happy New Year 2016.

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